If I Were A High School Guidance Counselor

Dear Mr. And Mrs. Name Withheld,

Back in my day, going down on guys behind the bleachers during lunch hour was considered a wonderful technique to expand upon a young lady's popularity. However, due to Crystal's braces and perhaps even inexperience she has sent at least five boys to the nurse's station, each day for the last two months. I consider this behavior highly counterproductive to the goals we have set here at Springfield High.

Sincerely,

Dr. Judson


Dear Pastor Arnold,

Your son has recently revealed to me his plan to kill you in your sleep. I believe it to be my professional duty to warn you of your impending death. After having gotten to know you fairly well this past semester, I have taken the liberty of enrolling your son in the Billingsford Gun Club. There he will receive instruction in the proper use of firearms, and unlimited usage of several different target ranges. Good luck, Prick.

Sincerely,

Dr. Judson


Dear Mrs. Trent,

Will you please, do the staff of Warren G. Harding High School a huge favor? Please, explain to your son William that he is hopelessly gay. The sooner he realizes it, the easier his life will be. Also let him know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a homosexual young man in this day and age. We've had several gay students over the years and they all seemed to sashay their way into rather good colleges!

Sincerely,

Dr. Judson


Dear Mr. and Mrs. Nelson,

The twins are sleeping together again. I'm not sure exactly what goes on in that rather close and cuddly home of yours. Though, I do consider a brother and sister unabashedly french kissing in the hallway between periods a bit disruptive to the learning environment. Please, do something about this situation immediately. We've already had one teacher hospitalized after suffering a mild stroke, apparently brought on by viewing your romantically inclined son "finger banging" his sister.

Sincerely,

Dr. Judson


Dear Ms. Volstien,

As a single mother who works extremely hard to support her family I have the utmost respect and admiration for you. That said, I regret to inform you that I have recommended Jonathan for psychological counseling. Unfortunately, the school psychologist here at Cumberland Valley Middle School is scared shitless of your little bundle of depression. As a matter of fact, Jonathan frightens many of our staff. A lot of us are keeping bullet proof vests within arms reach at all times. We keep them especially close on Mondays. If this letter seems a bit vague to you, please call my office and I'll explain to you how you need to do something about this nightmare you gave birth to 14 years ago. On a positive note, at least you don't have to lay awake a night wondering why you are still single.

Sincerely scared,

Dr. Judson