For years I've been writing greeting card messages for Hallmark. So far they have sent back every single one of my beautifully worded submissions...

So you've decided to let me fuck your wife...

Congratulations!! You've pissed me off for the last time!

Sorry, you'll be dead soon...

See, I told you, ya couldn't get aids that way!

Thanks for being drunk...

I don't know what got into me, but I'm glad I got into you!

Happy Birthday! How the fuck are you still alive?

ConGRADuations! Now you're an asshole and a graduate!

Get well Soon! I hate funerals.

Happy Anniversary, at this point no one else would have you!

Thank You. But I know you were faking it.

Sorry to hear about your loss. Your pimp was quite a man.

Thanks A Bunch. Who the fuck do you think you are?

You're invited to a party...as the main course!

Thank you for the thoughtful gift. Remind me to punch the shit out of you.

Announcing the arrival of our latest mistake...

Glad the operation was a success? What did they do with your old penis?

Happy Easter! I got somethin' for the eggs in your bunny hole.

Congratulations on your engagement. You're a brave mother-fucker.

It's always tragic when parents outlive their children. But let's face it he deserved the chair for what he did to those poor girls.

Happy St. Patricks Day! Try not to kill anyone, ya alcoholic Fuck.

Happy Thanksgiving, Chief! Let's split a bottle of fire water and go back to my wigwam !

Won't you be my Valentine? Instead of a cunt?

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a very short life.

It's Thanksgiving! I bet if you went cold turkey, your heart would stop!

Happy Anniversary! Your wife's ass should be tax deductible.

Congratulations on the birth of your child. Which end is which?

Happy Birthday! In case you can't remember me, I'm your daughter!

Thanks for the thoughtful Christmas present! If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a faggot!

For your birthday...I've decided to let your wife go down on me, so that you may enjoy a few blessed moments of wonderful silence for a change.

My condolences on your tragic loss. May your sad heart find peace. And may your cock find release.